Something inside me keeps screaming.  Keeps crying and throwing things.  Something keeps dying.  but, at the same time, ironically, I feel like something is growing.  however, I know that will do nothing but die off soon also.  It's never going to get better. 

These are the moments I die for.  The ones I can't live through.  The ones where I need someone so badly, and yet I'm all alone.  I'm completely alone.  I'm sat looking at my phone.  Hoping.  Wishing.  Will I get a text?  A call?  Something?  And, nine times out of ten, I get a blank screen.  Nothing new, no one there.  Just an empty screen to go with my empty feelings.

And maybe all of this is way over the top and silly to even ponder over.  But I feel like everyone needs someone.  Whether it be a good friend, a soul mate, a partner.  We all need someone.  And, I have plenty of someones.  I just need that ONE someone.  I fear my one someone will never show up.

And as for liking and loving people.  I keep doing it, but I'm giving up hope on anyone ever feeling for me the same way.  I have maxed out my chances at love.  I ruined them, and now I'm sure to be alone forever.

Sorry for the emoness in this blog.  Not like many will even bother to read or any will bother to care.  I don't see why anyone should honestly.  It's pointless.  This whole thing is pointless.

Life is pointless.

 want to cut.  I want to cut the shit out my arm and leg.  I want to throw up everything I've ate today.  I want to cry my eyes out till nothing comes out anymore.  I want to be able to scream.  And this is the only place I can say any of this stuff, because people in person will send me off. 

I thought he wanted me back. ><  I got my hopes up, of course.  And now they are crushed again.  I don't think I'll ever find someone as lovely as he was.  I'm an idiot.

Four in the AM.  I'm up.  No one else is up.  No one should be up.  So, why am I?  Why must I wake up and not be able to go back to sleep?  I mean, I'm sure if I tired hard enough I could.  Have you ever had one of those mornings?  Where you wake up and can't go back to sleep.  Or for some reason, don't want to go back to sleep?  I'm having one of those mornings.

All I want to do is chat with people on MSN, no one's on, chat to people on Gurl.com, boring honestly, or Tweet to people, no one's up.  So, what is left to do?  Watch Skins episodes where I must get my lazy ass up every 10 mins to get the next part?  I miss Skins. 

Sorry, blanked there for about an hour.  Was looking up stuff.  I don't know.  5 in the AM now.  Might at least lay down and watch the telly.  Hope everyone is doing okay. :)  I really ought to blog more, now that I have time.


xx

Imma put quotes to my favourite films.  You're going to try to pick which films they are WITHOUT cheating. :)  Cheers


1)
Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.

2)
This crying in the morning thing, this depression, let's get that fixed.

3)
It's like every morning I wake up and I FAIL!

4)
But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.

5)
Tell me that you love me first because I'm afraid that if I tell you first you'll think that I'm playing the game.

6)
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

7)
Yes - happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.

8)
It's so absurd, even the color of his tie betrays him.

9)
There are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can

10)
I killed a man... with this thumb.

11)
I have been touched by your kids... and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.

12)
If you look the right way, you can see the whole world is a garden!

13)
FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO!

14)
Erica, you are a woman to love.

15)
Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

16)
There is a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty.

17)
Dear Da, did you know something? We're moving again. Ma says it's time. She says it's definitely the last time but she says that every single time. Nana Gourley says, if there is a next time, they'll have to carry her out in a box and ma says don't tempt her!

18)
You probably think this world is a dream come true... but you're wrong.

19)
Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.

20)
I'm not goin' without you, Mac. I wouldn't leave you this way... You're coming with me.

He saw them.  The ones on my chest.  He knows it's not from a cat.  He left offline.

Lovely.  I show a moment of weakness.  A high moment of pain, and he runs.

I knew I'd screw it up.  I should just send him the money and call everything off.

xx